This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
