Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
