why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
this hospital has no fireball
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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