I got chris browned last night
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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