fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
