i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
