i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
