I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
