In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
