Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
