o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize