Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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