He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize