First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
