im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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