i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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