She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
