Walk of Shame. In a state park.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
