Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
only you would photoshop your dick
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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