I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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