you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
