His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
