I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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