She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
