You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
