my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
