I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
