nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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