New invention idea: vibrating tampons
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
