I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize