I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize