even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
