Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
