I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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