Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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