I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
