I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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