Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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