When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
