I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
