Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
