the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
