also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
