I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
