U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
