I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
