Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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