Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
