Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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