she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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