you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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