ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
