i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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