Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
