i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
be right there i have to get my cape
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
