I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
