Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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