you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Come share oat with me in your robe
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
