today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize